There have been many days in the recent past where I have wondered about prayer. I have wondered about God’s will. I have struggled with obedience, with gentleness, and with faith.
And I finally got tired…really, I got completely exhausted, and then got tired. I wondered.
It has been a long time since the wondering lasted so long. The foundational faith was still there–unshakable. It was the wondering, the trying-to-figure-it-out-ing, the standing in uncertainty and only looking at uncertainty.
And though I wonder about sharing this so publicly, I realize it is for this reason there is this blog. God impressed upon me that the purpose was to give permission to be real–that purpose, engraved over four years ago–still applies today.
And in His gentle way, He kept bringing back reminders of years ago when I used to keep a prayer list. Not just journaling through requests. An actual list–three columns: date requested, request, date answered. And each request has to be specific. No “make things better” generality; God wants me to deal with specifics.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:6-7
I asked for wisdom for a specific meeting, knowing my heart was not in a good place to handle the situation in the way I hoped. That wisdom was answered–in the form of the meeting being cancelled. Sometimes wisdom is greater in silence.
And challenges arose at work–and were resolved in miraculous fashion. By the end of the day, person after person kept commenting the microscopic chances of things working out the way they did. I just kept smiling.
God challenged me to test His faithfulness. And He smiled at all the ways He made Himself known.
If you find yourself wandering in your wondering…wander His way. Hey, just take a glance at Him. He may be waiting for you to experience His faithfulness in ways you haven’t seen in a while…or ever.
He doesn’t mind the wondering. And He is there when you wander back.
He’s funny like that.